March 24, 2005

I am currently 8 1/2 months pregnant with my 2nd boy child, and as happy as I am to be having another boy, I have concerns about bringing another hairy-assed, knuckle dragging, thinks he's "enlightened" and "understands women" (I have a hard time supressing the laughter everytime he spews THAT out of his pie hole), walking, talking perpetual hard-on into the world. I Love the Common Law and The Boy more than anything in this world .... THEY are my world; but in all fairness to my fellow sisters, I feel that I need to address a few ISSUES here.

**DISCLAIMER** For those of you with an extra external appendage (a DICK) , please bear in mind that my goal here is to educate, NOT berate.

Things NOT to say to an 8 month Pregnant Woman

1. It is NEVER acceptable to make comments about how large and squishy MY ass has become considering that you once lost a bar of soap in your "fleshy buttock folds" while attempting to wash said stank ass. *BONUS* Your ass DID smell nice for about a week

2. When my "blossoming belly" has me making the Titanic look like a dinghy, the absolute last thing I want to hear about is the hot, 20 something blonde bot Barbie Doll who just moved in. LOOK, don't comment, unless I bring her up in conversation, or you're talking to another testicle with feet (out of MY hearing range of course); I'm pregnant twinkle dick, not BLIND.

3. "Wow babe, look at the Rack on this one!". Snookumspunkin butt, enjoy your "swimsuit issue" (PORN) in peace. If you extoll the beauty of a nice set of tits sitting high and proud, and then ask why MINE do not, one more time, you will find your "jumbly bits" chopped up and being used as gator bait.
p.s. This also includes the phrases, "smooth, round spankable ass" and "cute lil' muff".

4. I realize that having me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen cooking for "my man" is your idea of heaven, but let me tell you what the reality is, I'm cooking for MYSELF. Get up off'n your ASS and cook your own fucking meal.

5. "But honey, walking like a penguin makes you look adorable"
Adorable?? I'll show you adorable you clueless prick. Let me shove a knife up your ASS and have it fork off to the left and right so that ANY movement is a goddamn miracle.

6. Beam and cigarettes ..... I don't think so. If Momma can't have any, NOBODY GETS ANY!!!!! Which brings me to #7 ...

7. SURLY BITCH????? Let me put this as nicely as I can ......

Do I need to explain further???????

8. Enough chocolate???? WTF is THAT!!!!! Next time you have a thought, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!! Logic like THAT will only get a surly response, such as, "I can't get my squishy, waddling penguin ass off the couch to cook babe, you'll have to do it. You want me to suck your cock? Sorry googly-bear, I couldn't POSSIBLY manage it. My not so perky tits keep falling in my face and I'm starting to lactate. So I guess you'll just have to jerk off for the next 6 or 8 months. I give you permission to fantasize about the neighbor."
I'm such an agreeable, understanding wife, huh honey?!

Now, be a good anthropoid ape and get "down" to making Momma happy. Oh, and leave the chocolate within reach, i'm hungry.


At 3/26/05, 5:54 PM , Blogger Kitten said...

Congratulations on yoor soon to be son!

I Have three of the little critters myself....boys that is.

Thanks for dropping by..great blog!!


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