I have lost my mind ....

*WARNING: I say fuck in this post. Alot.*


I have, really. Have you seen it?

I have also decided that The Mall is HELL.
It is.

I generally avoid going there, but for some reason (that I'm still
trying to figure out) I decided yesterday would be a good day
to go.

I go right when all the shops open (10am) figuring it'll be empty, and I'll be able to
get a good, air-conditioned walk in. It may be "Autumn" everywhere else in the country,
but it's still HOTT down here in The Sunshine State.
So anyway. I'm just walking along, minding my own business when this woman literally
jumps out of her store in front of the stroller.
HER: "HI! My name is _______, I'm a trainee, can I take some free photos of your darling little girl?"
ME: " Um, NO."
HER: "May I ask why?"
ME: " Well ____, I have 2 reasons. First, my little darling is a BOY. Secondly, NOTHING is free. Ever."
HER: "Are you sure?"
ME: (very irritated now) "YES!!!!"
She knew I meant it when I hit her in the legs with the stroller.
I was all prepared to mow her fucktarded ass down, but she was at least smart enough to move.

I mentioned that I had no real reason to be in The Mall right? Right.
Well, that's mostly true. I have a wedding to go to in December, and I just
wanted to take a look around and see what was out.
I mean seriously, the last dress I wore was a maternity dress.
That ain't gonna work.

So, I see Charlotte Ross and decide to go in and have a look see.
I'm barely in the door when the saleslady is in my face,
HER: "Can I help you?"
ME: "Nope. Just looking."
HER: "Are you sure?"
ME: "YES"
What the fuck???? Are they all Stepford clerks???
I walk around a bit, see a whole bunch of clothes that I would LOVE, but nothing
suitable for a wedding.
Leave Charlotte Ross, and go into some boutique that I can't remember the name of.
"Did you need some help hon?"
CHRIST ON A FUCKING BIKE!!!!!
Inside i'm screaming, "NO BITCH! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! IF I NEED YOU, I"LL FIND YOU!"
ME: "Nope. Just looking".
HER: "Well, you're looking in the wrong section. The sizes you need are in the back."
Did I just hear her correctly???
How the FUCK does she know who i'm shopping for????
Is she Miss fucking Cleo????
Yeah, I walked right out of there.

Walk down towards Rack Room Shoes.
Fuck, if I can't find a dress, maybe I can find some killer shoes instead.
Get to RRS, and there's 2 women, with GINORMOUS baby strollers blocking the
entrance to the store.
Of course, some fucking genius of a manager had the sales clerks stack up a shit-ton
of shoe boxes for "CLEARANCE" right at the door. Brilliant!
The one lady, trying move her stroller out of the way so I can enter the store, "forgot"
that she had 2 different size heels on and almost landed on her ass.
I'm sure her ankle hurts like hell today.
Get in the shoe store, "Can I help you look for anything today?"
AAAAGGHHHH!!!!!
NO GODDAMN IT!!!! I want to LOOK!!! Is THAT a fucking crime?????
Yeah, we weren't there long. No shoes either.
I've had enough, I need a drink.
Preferably alcoholic, but since I AM driving, and I AM playing MOM, I decide to just go get an Ice cold lemonade from Chik-fil-A.
At least there, I don't mind being asked, "May I help you?".

On my way, a pretty little Indian girl asks me if I would like a "quickie" manicure.
ME: "No thanks"
HER: "It will only take 5 minutes"
ME: "Ok" Eh, why not? It's only 5 minutes, and everyone else has gotten
on my last nerve. I need something soothing, relaxing, and just for me.
So she pulls out this handy dandy 5 in 1 buffer thingy, grabs my left hand and
starts grinding, buffing, chipping (whatever) away at the nails.
After 5 minutes, she announces she's done.
I look at my hand, expecting to see a handful of Buffed, polished, and generally BEAUTIFUL nails, and what do I see ....
One nail is done. Yep.
That's all I get for a "quickie" manicure.
Unless of course, I buy the "magic buffer" and th eoil, and the cream ($35 total)
Um, I'll pass. Thankyousomuch!!!!! *smile*
Well, I think to myself, at least when I give someone the finger, it'll be with the pretty,
manicured one.

So what did I learn after yesterday's excursion?

1. Clothes are WAY overpriced. Ok, EVRYTHING in the mall is ridiculously overpriced
   
2. Sales clerks are asshats
3. All the really COOL clothes are for skinny bitches who only eat air
4. I'm old

Numbers 3 & 4 REALLY bother me.
I mean, i'm only 37 for fucks sake!
Ok, and I may not be the cute lil thing I once was, but honestly.
Clothes for a woman who is a size 12 or bigger are gawdawful!
Very distressing.

Ah well .....
I won't be going back to mall anytime soon.
I'd rather have a root canal and give birth simultaneously with no drugs than
go through THAT.

Fuckity, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Oh yeah, Happy FUCKING FRIDAY, FUKKERS.
Fuck.