Torn

My Dad flies in in two weeks.

I'm not sure how I feel about his impending arrival.

My Dad's last visit wasn't so good.
He was here to "do" Christmas with me & The Boys.
But we DIDN'T "do" Christmas.
In fact, we didn't "do" anything.

He showed up on Thursday night, spent Friday and left early Saturday morning.
He HAD to get back to South Florida to see "the guys".
"The guys" are a bunch of people who work in a bike shop that my knew my brother for a brief moment in time.
They are the last link to my brother.

I understand wanting to hold on, but at what cost?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On New Years Eve, my Dad was admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
He should have been sent to the Psychiatric center and put on suicide watch.
My Dad tried to kill himself, whether he wants to admit it or not.
He says it was an "accident".
I don't believe him.
His last words before going unconscious were, "I want my Lanny and my Suzie! I want to die!".
He avoided me for 2 weeks after.
He avoided my brother for a week.

I'm trying to understand my father's grief, but I cannot.
I have not lost a spouse and a child.
I lost a parent and a sibling.
I want to help him, but don't know how.

I'm angry.
How can he be so selfish?
What does him wanting to die say to us that are still living?
There are still those of us among the living who LOVE him, WANT him and NEED him.

So many questions ......
Not so many answers.