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June 23, 2005

Monkey lovin' and Pig sex .....

Yesterday was just another day. Nothing special, just me and the boys spending another fun filled fabulous day here in the Pits of Hell. Well, I did venture forth into another dimension of hell .... Wal-mart. I do not understand what it is about Wal-mart, but I seriously wonder who does the hiring. I stood at the deli for a HALF HOUR to get 2lbs of turkey and 2lbs of cheese. I was the ONLY CUSTOMER!!!! If I had been by myself, I wouldn't have gotten quite so pissed off, but I have a 2 1/2 month old with me. My windows of opportunity to be out and about are only so long. He gets VERY demanding when he's hungry, and there really isn't a good place to whip out a boob for him. I may shop there in my pj's and fuzzy slippers, but I draw the line at pulling out a tit while I'm waiting for lunchmeat. Besides, there's no place to sit, and I HATE walking around with a baby attached to my boob. Tacky.
I FINALLY get my lunchmeat, and i'm off. I start running (literally) down the aisles throwing shit into my cart as if I were on a 3 minute shopping spree. Get to the checkout, put all the crap on the belt and realize I got the cashier who has a pulse, a working brain cell, and MOVES. I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world! Hmmm, maybe I will get home before Poot winds up. He's been stirring in his car seat, and his eyes have popped open a few times, but so far, so good.
2lbs turkey = $11.94
2lbs cheese = $9.08
Getting through Wal-mart without the baby waking up hungry = PRICELESS

I bet you're wondering where the Monkey lovin and Pig sex come in right?
Patience grasshopper .....

So I get home, put the groceries away, feed Poot, put him down for sleepies, and *poof* turn into Betty Crocker. I did. One thing you have to know, I am in no way, shape or form a domestic goddess. I hate cleaning. I hate cooking. But I LOVE to bake. I found this great recipe for a Banana-pineapple cake, so I figured i'd make one. I've never had it, but what the hell, if it turns out crappy, iI'll just feed it to The Boy.
As un-domestic as I am, I still like to have dinner ready for The Common Law when he gets home. The man works his ass off, the least I can do is make a decent meal for him. I don't always succeed, but I sure do try. So, it's off to the kitchen to prepare pork chops. Yummy!
Before we sit and feast, The Boy asks if he can spend the night at his friends house. I tell him that I don't mind, but I have to talk to his friends father first to confirm. Yes, I call my sons friends parents. Kids are schemers, and it's my job as a loving parent to bust his ass, I mean, make sure everything is the way he says it is. I take The Boy to his friends house, come home and get Poot ready for the night. Feed him, and guess what? He passes out on my shoulder, and it's only 8pm.
Then it hits me .....
The Boy is gone and Poot is passed out. Hmmm ... could it be????
Oh
My
GOD!!!!!
I have the chance to spend some "quality" time with The Common Law!
Translation: Mama wants some MONKEY LOVIN AND PIG SEX!!!!!!
Holy Hell!!! I need to take a shower, BAD! I have a full day's worth of baby puke on me, and who can get turned on by THAT?????? I tell The Common Law I need need to shower, and promise to be out ASAP. On my way to the shower, I take a quick detour to the "naughty" drawer and look for something sexy and/or naughty to put on. He usually only sees me in sweats or shorts, and EVERYTHING has baby spit up on it! It's not often we get "alone" time, so I want to look GOOD for my man! After a few minutes of not finding a friggin' thing, I grab the first thing that I know will FIT. My post-pregnant body is NOT ready to get into the *black leatherette and grommet bra w/matching thong ..... yet. I want him to desire me, not laugh his silly ass off!
I digress. Get into the shower, and I am literally washing my hair, shaving my legs and brushing my teeth all at once. I'm such a good lil' multi-tasker. Besides, time is of the utmost importance here people!!!! Get out of the shower, and what do I hear?????

WHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poots awake.
FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!

Grab the baby from The Common Law, sit my freshly washed ass on the couch and stuff a boob into his mouth. Poots just a suckling away, happy as can be when I see The Common Law get out of his chair, strip (prrrrrrr), and then lay down. I try and hurry the baby along with his feasting, but he's having none of it. He suckles at HIS pace.
By the time Poot's done eating and burped, I am stinking of baby puke again, and The Common Law is passed out in bed.

No MONKEY LOVIN'
No PIG SEX

What did I learn?????
Showers can wait ......

**sighs heavily**

*mine is not the same as this one, but close.

2 Comments:

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