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July 18, 2005

Stop the world, I want to get off .....

This post was originally about me and my feelings regarding my brothers death. After reading over it, I decided to erase it and start fresh.

Am I past my grief? Not even close.
But life is about choices, and living with the decisions we make. We wake every morning faced with all kinds of choices, large and small, that we must face and take on. I have been reading many wonderful, and insightful stories all across blogville the past week or so. Some have made me laugh, but more often than not, I have read about someone else's grief, emptiness and despair. I have also read about the choices that were made and how they responded to the adversity they faced. Sometimes I was privileged to read the outcome, sometimes it was still a work in progress, and sometimes, the outcome was not the "journey" of the story.

It was inspiring.

I've always known that suffering is a common thread among us; it's what makes you appreciate what you have, and hopefully, you learn at least one thing along the way. I know my brother would be pissed off if he saw me still crying. So today, I stopped. It would be so easy to succumb to the grief and the emptiness I feel. But it's not my nature. I'm a fighter, and a survivor. Lance was spirited and full of LIFE. How can I honor his memory if I give up on mine? Besides, the tears I shed are for ME. Me and my selfish reasons for wanting him to still be here.

So, today, maybe just for today, I am embracing life. I am giving myself over to the joys that exist, large and small. I refuse to give in. I LOVE life, and I LOVE the people IN my life. I am making the choice to take the harder path; living. I'm done with just existing.

I was asked recently who was responsible for my happiness. Well, I AM, of course. I never wanted, or expected anyone else to make me happy. I just needed some time to adjust and get my head right. It's still a work in progress, but now it's time to stand up, dust myself off and get back on the ride of life. Thank you all for your love and support; it has touched me deeper than I can find the words to express. Happiness will come, a little more everyday.

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