June 22, 2010

Thank you ....

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year
I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.
(Like there ever was a chance!)

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST send my extra special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
And because of your thoughtful concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

Hey! Thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Oh, and because of your due diligence for my safety, I can't ever pick up $5.00 bill dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist/murderer waiting underneath my car to grab my leg and drag me away.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.
F.Y.I., I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

Now, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh, by the way....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail (or this post)with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

And THAT is how I feel about the influx of stupid-ass emails that clog my inbox on a daily basis.
What's worse, I haven't even started on the SPAM.
You know, the ones that tell you how to enlarge your Penis, find a Russian bride or tell you how much you can save by purchasing your drugs (prescription) from Canada.
If Google is really that interested in "cleansing" the internet and websites, please, start with this waste of bandwidth.
Thank you.

**Today's song selection has no real connection to this post.  I just liked it.  


At 6/22/10, 11:00 PM , Blogger Walker said...

WHOOO HOOO squab for dinner tomorrow.

Once upon a time is wasn't safe to play on the freeway.
It's safe than the playground today

At 6/23/10, 2:41 PM , Blogger Heff said...

...but this nice Nigerian emailed me promising me MILLIONS if I gave him my account info to put it in.....

At 6/24/10, 6:59 PM , Blogger Boxer said...

noooooo, now I CAN'T have a lemon twist in my vodka!! Oh wait, it's alcohol, that will kill anything.


At 7/5/10, 2:25 PM , Blogger awareness said...

I loved this post! There were a few tidbits I havent received spam or emails about........... Jesus! I never thought about the purse on the bathroom floor thing. Gross.

i've missed you........sorry I havent been around much. I have been busy channeling my inner ginger in real life. It's been grand! :)

Happy belated 4th! xx


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