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September 1, 2010

Two sides of hell ....


For as long as I can remember, I have been at war.
With myself.
I have two very distinct thought processes and states of mind.
Sometimes, they collide.
Hard.


As you can imagine, this has caused a fuckton of chaos in my life.


I am aware of these opposing forces in my personality and try diligently to keep both parts in harmony,
but .....
There are times when one side rears it's ugly head.
At that point, it's Katy-bar-the-door, duck and cover because all hell is about to break loose.


I'd say the biggest conflict of my personalities lies in my relationships.
Mostly my love relationships.
I am constantly trying to balance my need for a stable, loving relationship with my almost insane need for independence and solitude.
It's not easy to keep these two sides in balance.
In fact, I have a hard time doing so.


But knowing this about myself hasn't really made it easier to deal with and control.
Most times I do well .... but others?
Not so much.


I sabotage myself ..... and my relationships.
I know it's evil and wrong when i'm doing it, but I continue on.
Why?
I guess to "prove" that i'm right.
A problem that I have heard on more than one occasion.
Mostly from previous paramours.
But it's more than that .... and goes far deeper.


I have a real and beyond terrifying fear of being left and/or abandoned.
I have serious trust issues,
If I love and care for someone too much, I'll eventually pull away.
I pull away because I know that if I don't, they will leave.
I become moody, bitchy and sullen.
I pick fights.
I become argumentative over every little thing.
I spend far too much time in my head.
And underneath it all, I am terrified.
Constantly.
Terrified.


Sadly, Jack got to experience this rather ugly side of me on more than occasion this summer.
He merely laughed it off and pretended that I wasn't being the uber bitch that I know I was.
That says a lot about him.
But more importantly, it showed me that no matter how insane I become, he loves me.
I mean, REALLY loves me.
It's easy to love someone at their best, but far harder to love them when they don't particularly like themselves much  less love themselves.
I had many "reasons" for not liking myself these past few months, and I'm still struggling with several issues, but i'm getting better.
Much better.
I just wish I could get back the past months that I was cranky, petulant, obstinate, argumentative and any other word you can come up with.
But I can't.
All I can do is apologize to Jack, my family, friends and anyone who may have been on the receiving end of my blunt, abrupt and oftentimes snide remarks.
And thank you ..... for still loving me.

10 Comments:

At 9/1/10, 4:44 PM , Blogger Heff said...

Sometimes I beat myself feverishly, but It has NOTHING to do with my personalities being at war.

 
At 9/1/10, 4:52 PM , Blogger TAG said...

This seems like a really good time for a cyber hug (((hugs))).

Relax. Jack knows you are very lovable. (Yea, yea, I know, easy to say but hard to do.)

TAG

 
At 9/1/10, 7:21 PM , Anonymous daisyfae said...

enjoy it. don't think too much. thinking makes your brain get all wrinkly... and hug jack a little harder next time you have a chance!

 
At 9/1/10, 8:00 PM , Blogger morningstar said...

you are a very lucky woman on many fronts.

Hug Jack yes... but hug yourself too:)

morningstar

 
At 9/1/10, 9:20 PM , Blogger BlazngScarlet said...

Heff: Feverishly? Hmm .... is that due to being so into your 'beating' or is it ED?!

TAG: (((HUG))) backatcha! :D

Daisyfae: I try to shut my brain off ..... but it's not always easy.

Morningstar: I KNOW i'm a lucky woman ... in soooooo many ways!
Npw, what's the 'big one' in October? 30?! ;D
I'd LOVE to come celebrate with you!

 
At 9/2/10, 12:04 AM , Blogger Boxer said...

I refuse to believe you're really all that bad. :-)

I just do.

xoxoxo.

Stop being so hard on yourself. We're ALL human.

 
At 9/2/10, 1:59 PM , Blogger Walker said...

When two people are together they learn to accept people for their imperfections and perfections.
What's Jack like on the rag

 
At 9/2/10, 6:10 PM , Blogger morningstar said...

LOL Blazin' too big.. way tooooo big... trust me

come for halloween.... that's close enough

morningstar

 
At 9/2/10, 6:42 PM , Blogger BlazngScarlet said...

Walker: If Jack's ever on the rag, we have a much bigger problem than his PMS! ;D

Morningstar: OoOo ... Halloween! We could dress in fet wear and look NORMAL! HAHAHAHAHA
I still say you're only turning 30!

 
At 9/6/10, 8:01 AM , Blogger morningstar said...

Fet wear sounds like a plan and I am sure I can find a "halloween" party to attend.

As for the 30 I can only dream...... been MANY years since I saw 30 sweetie...

 

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