Two sides of hell ....

For as long as I can remember, I have been at war.
With myself.
I have two very distinct thought processes and states of mind.
Sometimes, they collide.
Hard.


As you can imagine, this has caused a fuckton of chaos in my life.


I am aware of these opposing forces in my personality and try diligently to keep both parts in harmony,
but .....
There are times when one side rears it's ugly head.
At that point, it's Katy-bar-the-door, duck and cover because all hell is about to break loose.


I'd say the biggest conflict of my personalities lies in my relationships.
Mostly my love relationships.
I am constantly trying to balance my need for a stable, loving relationship with my almost insane need for independence and solitude.
It's not easy to keep these two sides in balance.
In fact, I have a hard time doing so.


But knowing this about myself hasn't really made it easier to deal with and control.
Most times I do well .... but others?
Not so much.


I sabotage myself ..... and my relationships.
I know it's evil and wrong when i'm doing it, but I continue on.
Why?
I guess to "prove" that i'm right.
A problem that I have heard on more than one occasion.
Mostly from previous paramours.
But it's more than that .... and goes far deeper.


I have a real and beyond terrifying fear of being left and/or abandoned.
I have serious trust issues,
If I love and care for someone too much, I'll eventually pull away.
I pull away because I know that if I don't, they will leave.
I become moody, bitchy and sullen.
I pick fights.
I become argumentative over every little thing.
I spend far too much time in my head.
And underneath it all, I am terrified.
Constantly.
Terrified.


Sadly, Jack got to experience this rather ugly side of me on more than occasion this summer.
He merely laughed it off and pretended that I wasn't being the uber bitch that I know I was.
That says a lot about him.
But more importantly, it showed me that no matter how insane I become, he loves me.
I mean, REALLY loves me.
It's easy to love someone at their best, but far harder to love them when they don't particularly like themselves much  less love themselves.
I had many "reasons" for not liking myself these past few months, and I'm still struggling with several issues, but i'm getting better.
Much better.
I just wish I could get back the past months that I was cranky, petulant, obstinate, argumentative and any other word you can come up with.
But I can't.
All I can do is apologize to Jack, my family, friends and anyone who may have been on the receiving end of my blunt, abrupt and oftentimes snide remarks.
And thank you ..... for still loving me.