July 19, 2007

I have an irritation ....

The other night, after we had finished eating dinner and
were settling into the couch for a few hours of mindless
amusement (tv watching), a commercial came on.
Not unusual, television is filled with more commercials nowadays
than they have actual programming.
Even cable networks are being overrun.

The commercial in mind was for a feminine product.
Feminine hygiene product commercials make me cringe
in the WORST possible way.
In one way or another, they all pretty much say that we're itchy, bitchy, irritable, bloated and smelly.
The new advertisement for Vagisil just about made me reguritate the meal I had just finished.
Apparently, the 'Big Brains' who produce and market Vagisil have come out with a screening kit.
Yes ladies, now YOU can "test" your foul smelling odor's ph and
check if it's just a slight infection, or if a good dose of penicillin is in
order (not really).

I have serious problems with the whole concept of a home testing kit.
If your snootch smells like fish heads lying in the hot sun, and is itchier than
wearing wool knickers in the blazing days of summer, I'm fairly certain
that neither Vagisil or a test to check your level of ItchySmellySnootch is going
to do you a damn bit of good.

Apparently, I have good cause to not be so thrilled with this product.
According to the chart, after you swipe (??) your discharge (Ewwwww) onto the "enclosed stick", you look at the color that it turns and compare it to the "enclosed diagnosis chart" to see what your next course of action should be.
Uh huh ....

Take a look at the "enclosed diagnosis chart", shall we?

Notice anything, oh I don't know .... ODD???
Anything ??????

Yeah, they ALL say, "SEE YOUR DOCTOR"!!!!!!!
WHAT ?????
WHY in fuck's sake would ANYONE spend $14.99 for it?
Marketing GENIUSES!

Oh, and if THAT wasn't enough to make you say WTF,
let's take a look at the "enclosed list of frequently asked questions", shall we?

Pay close attention to the very last one .... it's extra special.

Q: I used the screening kit and had a pH of 4.5. Since I had symptoms of itching and discharge I used a yeast infection treatment. However, the symptoms have not gone away. What should I do?

Q: I have symptoms, but I am nursing. Can I use the screening kit?

Q: I am post-menopausal. Can I use the screening kit?

Q: I used a wand and don’t think I pressed it against the vaginal wall for 5 seconds before I removed it. Can I try again with the same wand?

Q: If I am having my period and use a tampon, can I use the screening kit?

Q: I think I might have an STD. Will this kit help me find out?

Q: I may have gotten some urine on the wand while doing the test. Will this change the results?

Q: I may have touched the pH paper on the wand. Is it still okay to use it?

Q: I just douched. Is it okay to use the screening kit?

Q: I recently had sexual intercourse. Do I need to wait before I can use the screening kit?

Q: I had sexual intercourse and used a lubricant. Do I need to wait before I can use the test kit?

Q: I inserted the wand and now I can't find it. What should I do?

Personally, I think she's got WAY bigger issues than an itchy snootch.


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