May 22, 2009


She met him broken and battered.
Emotionally beaten to hell by the First One.
He was sweet, and he truly appreciated the substitutes earnest and
honest attempts at loving him.
But ....
His fear was greater than any emotion he may have felt for her.
He made her pay for the sins of another who treated him so carelessly.
Then it was over.
They both moved on.
Eventually the man realized how good the substitute was.
How just her presence made him a better person.
How she really did love him .... broken as he was.
She never tried to fix him.
She took him as he was.
He remembers the way she held him ....
The way she kissed him ....
The way she made love to him.
How she held nothing back and gave all.
He remembers what it was like to have that one person he could talk to about everything.
He regrets having treated her so casually.
He regrets having dismissed her feelings.
He regrets not being able to let go of a memory from before her.
He wants her back.
He wants to hold onto her for dear life.
He cried when he realized that it's too late.

I am the substitute.
The Tweener.
I have never been the First One.
I have always come in second, or third.
Usually after another has created a disaster.
I'm not sure why that is ....
I don't undervalue myself.
Do I subconsciously seek the irretrievably broken?
Could it be I try to fix myself through their brokenness?
The possibility exists.
Or maybe I am just THAT horrible at choosing partners?!

I have thought about this for a very long time.
I realize that once you reach a certain age that it's virtually
impossible to find someone who hasn't had their heart torn to shreds.
To me, it's how we act towards and react to the next that comes along, if they come along,
that matters.
It's how you find your love.

My dismay came from finding a true mate and partner who couldn't
see that the decisions he made were directly influenced by another.
He held back.
He compared.
He allowed himself to remain chained to his past.
And that's when I knew .....

No matter how much I gave of myself to this man, he would never see me as the ONE.
He loved me.
I know he did.
I caught glimpses ....
I felt it every now & then.
It just wasn't as much as I wanted.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they
don't love you with all they have.

It wasn't his fault.
He gave what he could.
It was me.
I want MY happiness.
I want to be the ONE.
I want it all.
Nothing less.

After all, it is my life.

This was inspired by events in my life and of a man I knew.
A long time ago.
One who still shows up every now and then ....
He knows what he dismissed.
He knows what is lost.


At 2/9/10, 9:34 AM , Blogger 珊珊李 said...



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