June 1, 2009

First of June ....

Today is the start of a month that has mixed emotions for me.
Starting with today.

The very first day of June.

I had just returned from the bathroom and was in my room getting ready for school

when I heard the car pull into the drive.
I looked out my bedroom window and saw my Grandmother get out of the car first,
then my Dad.
I could tell from the way they both walked that whatever was coming was not good.

My brothers were already downstairs and were told first.
I on the other hand, slowly put my clothes on as my mind was registering the news that
was coming.
I knew already.

No one needed to tell me.

My Mother was dead.

I could hear the cries of my brothers.

Still, I continued to dress.

My Grandmother came in to get me and as I turned to face her, I saw her face.

It was ashen, and she looked tired.
I knew that she had been up all night with my Father ...

I knew that she was there when my Mother took her last breath.

I found comfort in that.

Yet ... I had anger.
I never got to say goodbye to her.
I remember various family members coming to the house during the day,
but I was numb.
I wanted to go to school.

I didn't want to be around the sad, crying people.

I wanted to see my friends.
I was 10.

Reality for me didn't really BECOME reality for another 48 hours.
When we went to the funeral home.
No, my reality that day was numbness.
That's what I felt.

I knew what death and dying meant.
I knew I would never again hear my Mothers infectious laugh, or see her brilliant smile.
I would never again feel her arms around me as she pulled me onto the couch for a snuggle.
She was no longer in pain, the leukemia was no no longer ravaging her fragile body.
Nor were the Chemo drugs eating her very soul and turning her into someone we barely
recognized .... physically or mentally.
Still, I was numb.

I stayed numb till we drove to the funeral parlor.
I started crying softly on the way there.

I cried more as we walked up to the door.

I was inconsolable when I walked in.

Then I looked to my left .....
I saw her laying there, in the coffin.
In her favorite red dress.

I collapsed.
I had to be removed to the office.
At some point I calmed down enough to come back out.
But I was numb again.

I wanted to see her .....
I wanted to hear her laugh.

I wanted to see her smile.

I wanted to have one last snuggle.

I tried climbing in the casket to be with her.

I was removed ..... again.

I was numb for the two days of viewing and the actual funeral.

I cried.

A river.

An ocean.

I was exhausted and spent.

But still .... I was numb.

The rest of that summer was a blur.

It was a blur that lasted 2 years.

Honest to god, I have very few memories from that time.
I think I just blocked them all out.

Today is the first day of June.

Today my Mother has been physically gone from my life for 30 years.

Most days, I find it almost hard to believe.

I am older than she was when she died.

It still freaks me out.

She was so young .....

She had so much life ......

Saying I miss her doesn't quite cover it.

It's left a gaping hole in my life, and I have never felt whole since.

I don't know if I ever will.

You are my mother, part of your flesh, born from your soul.
Somehow our characters blended,
your wisdom and my will.
I turned, and you were there for me;
I spoke, you understood.
I felt cared for, but also free.
You loved, and it was good.
I am fortunate that I was born
to someone just like you.
I love you still.
Though you are gone,
you live in what I do.

Today is the first of June.
I love you Mom.


At 6/2/09, 6:59 PM , Blogger Heff said...

Nice post. My Dad "off'd" himself at age 63, so I feel your pain.


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