October 5, 2009

Head space ....

Or maybe just a head case.
Yes, that seems more like it.
A head case.
That would be me.

Hmmm ..... maybe just a head cold.
Or sinus infection.
Both is more like it.

My head hurts these days.
I mean, pounding like hell,
Wanna blow it off my shoulders.

It's more than a sinus infection.
It's more than being a head case.

Why is it that when your life is going along nicely and all the jumbled pieces have
finally fallen into place something comes along and changes the puzzle?
I mean, really?
I know that life is not easy.
Or fair.
It's not supposed to be.
But do you ever wonder if the trials we face here in living are just someone (or something) elses
twisted little experiment to see just how much the human spirit can endure?
Yes yes, we're gearing up for the promise of eternal life in the hereafter filled with only love, laughter and happiness.
It sounds real nice and all .... but I don't buy it.
I'm not bitching per se, I just have all this running around my head.
This is the shit that keeps me up till 5am.
I'd love to just turn it off.
My head that is.

It shouldn't be so complicated to be the person you are, or live the life you choose.
But it is.
Demands, boundaries, laws, politicians, other people.
They all have a say in how I "choose" to live my life.
Consciously or not.
It’s frustrating on a good day,
And pisses me right the fuck off any other time.

I think today is a pissing me right the fuck off kind of day.
Not at anything in particular.
Or because of anyone.
Just is.

My mind was wandering around many areas today, and one of which was my children.
More specifically, their Fathers.
Such a contrast between the two.
The Boys father took off when he was a babe.
Couldn’t give a rats ass that he has a child.
Lil’Mans father cried when I took his boy away.
He’s cried for him many times in the last year.
I know he wishes we were closer.
I know he misses his boy.
Or he did.
I haven’t heard from him in weeks.

But …… life moves along.

Sadly, they may live with me and I provide them with everything they need and even some stuff they want, but I still have to get permission from them to get a passport for either one of them.
The Boys father signed off with no problem (I knew there wouldn’t be one).
But Lil’Mans? Oh fuck no.
He’s afraid I’ll move to Mexico or worse …… Canada.

I wonder if any of these men that I have shared myself and my life with ever knew me at all.

Hmmm …..

I ran into an old EMS partner at the grocery store this morning.
He was shocked as hell to see me.
The last time he saw me was at my Brother’s Funeral.
I looked like hell.
Then AND this morning.
Geez, who the fuck dresses up to go grocery shopping?
When you’re already sick?
Dragging a fussy 4 year old?
He gave me the obligatory “you look great!”.
But it was total bullshit.
I hate that.
I know I look like a troll.
Just say, “Nice to see you again” and move on with it.
Don’t try and give me an ice cream.
I don’t need to be “sugared” up.

More crap to kill what little brain cells still fire up.

Ok, maybe I AM bitching.
Fuck, didn’t want to.


Fuck it.
So, I’m riding the crimson tide (No, not the one in Alabama either … but man there’s a REALLY dirty joke there!) again.
Second time in less than 2 weeks.
This whole peri-menopausal shit can suck it.
First period was light …. But now?
Hell no.
I thought my fucking uterus fell out.
Sit down to take a piss and the toilet is filled with blood and clotty masses.

Fuck me running …. I really need to find a way to shut off my brain.
I need for my head to stop pounding.
I need to stop being such a head case
Who quite frequently gets lost in her head space.

But not right now.
My drugs have kicked in.
It’s off to my happy place.

Mmmm …… Jack naked, chocolate, energizer bunnies and lollipops.


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