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October 18, 2009

Letting go .....

It's no secret that I have issues.
I don't open up easily.
I don't trust easily.
I don't always convey my hurt and pain.
Anger yes, but not hurt.
I bury it.
I play the fool to mask the deeper emotions inside.
Oftentimes I am inappropriate.
I make mistakes.
I'm human.

I've been contemplating the turn of events in my life over the last year or so.
I found happiness in so many unexpected places.
I found love again .... and I didn't think it was even a possibility.
I found peace ....
In my head and in my heart.

Sadly though, not everything was positive.
Some things ended, some things I had to move on from.
Things I didn't want to move on from.
But we don't always get the choice.
Sometimes it's our own lack of faith in ourselves that causes the conflict.

I'm in a reflective mood.
I'm in a regretful mood.
As a general rule, I don't regret much.
But, the things that I DO regret are mostly about my relationships with others.
I like to think i'm fair, open and honest in my dealings with those that I love.
But, I know that I can be callous, caustic, cold and ruthless.
I say hurtful things and do hurtful things.
Not intentionally.
But does that really matter when someone you love has been ripped apart by
something you said or did?
I don't think so.

I can't erase what's been done.
Nor can I apologize further.
All I can do is admit my mistakes, own up to it and learn from them.
And then ....... let go.

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