July 27, 2007

Behind blue eyes ....

Happy Friday everyone!

I read back through my previous post, and all the comments, and I came away
with the realization that I'm a bitch.
Okay, that's not REALLY news to me.
I KNOW i'm a bitch.
But it's not ALL I am.

Recently, I told a very good friend of mine that words don't have the power to hurt.
WE allow the words to hurt us.
While I wasn't exactly 'hurt' by some of the comments I read, they did give cause me to step back and take a closer look at my writings of late, and how I come across.
While it is very true that I am loud, obnoxious, opinionated and yes, a bitch, it's not truly representative of me and who I am.
Not all of it.

A good portion of who I am I don't share with anyone.
I am a VERY private person. I keep a good deal of my feelings bottled up and under wraps.
Call it self-preservation.
I have been told that I hide behind my tough-girl persona, and that underneath i'm not as tough as I like to think I am.
There's a lot of truth in that.
Truth be told, I'm really a shy, quiet woman who is rather sensitive.
I cry, a lot. I feel others pain deep down in my gut, and also their joy.
I adore my family, and my children ARE my world.
I never hold back my affection for them. Ever.
But the rest of the world?
Well, let's just say that I approach life with more than a bit of skepticism.
I don't trust easily.
I AM jaded.
Which, believe it or not, conflicts greatly with my emotions.
I WANT to be more positive and open with my feelings, but every time I do, my heart gets ripped out and served back to me.
I know too that i'm not the only one in the world that gets their hearts broke.
It's all in how we deal with it, right?
Well, my way, for the past 25+ years has been to bury the hurt and re-channel it into being a mouthy, angry bitch who is constantly on the defensive.
Might not be the best way, but it's mine.

But it has me asking myself, why is it easy to show the negative and so bloody difficult to show the joy?
It's not just me.
Read around, there's a whole bunch of discontented, unhappy people trying to exercise their demons.
When I read their tales of anger, hurt and despair, I try and look past the words that are written into their souls and see that they ARE good, decent, loving people.
But do people do that when they read MY words?
Do you see past my brick facade?
Do you see the sensitive, quiet woman who lives here too?
I think you do, but sometimes I wonder ....

The one aspect of me that has always been apparent to anyone who meets me or reads me is my humor.
That has always carried me through.
Sometimes it can be caustic.
But, it's still me.
I like making people laugh.
I enjoy seeing people happy and smiling.
I love the sound of laughter.
Including my own.

Anywho, I seem to have lost the point of this post, so before I start rambling more than I already have, I just want to thank you all for reading my bitchy rantings.
Thank you too for seeing past it.

Have a lovely weekend y'all!


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