June 16, 2009

eHarmony, an experiment, II

What you will read is a description of my dates from October 2008 to December 2008.

Let the games begin ...

Date with prospect #1: Sunday Brunch at a local restaurant pretty famous for their brunches.
Met him there, was sitting inside the restaurant for over a half hour waiting for him.
I call him on his cell and he informs that he's in the parking lot and has been for the last half hour. He won't come in because his ex-wifes best friend is inside.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Um .... thanks for the phone call asshole.
He asks if I could come out to the parking lot so we could talk.
Go out there, he doesn't even get out of his car to meet me. No, he sits in his big ass SUV and talks to me from the open window. You've GOT to be kidding me?
Anyway, he asks me to meet him at another restaurant up the road, all the while
apologizing profusely and swearing we'll have a good time.
Uh huh ....

But, I'm always up for an adventure, and you never know, he may not be as much of a dick as he was acting.
Go to the next restaurant, meet him inside and as we await to be seated, he helps to remove my coat and compliments me on how nice I look.
Ok, he's not a total write-off ..... yet.
Waitress comes to seat us and he pulls out my chair for me.
OMG! I think I might faint .....

We order our food, and then the floodgates of hell open up.
All he talks about for the next hour or so is his ex-wife and his kids. And not just the usual bitching. Oh no, I get the gory details. Lucky me.
Now, I know we all have baggage.
But give me a fucking break! Spilling your guts like that on a first date?
Thankfully, I had a couple drinks.
I needed them.
Our food gone, drinks empty, I tell him I have to get home.
I have kids, he knows this, so it was a convenient way to end the date.

I offer to pay for my share of the bill, he says I can pay the tip.

No problem.
I pay the tip and stand up to get my coat on
He gets up and walks out as I'm still putting on my coat and getting my purse.
I walk out to my car and I see him over by his SUV, he screams good-bye and waves.
He gets in his truck and drives off.
Hmmm .... was it something I said?

I email him later in the day to thank him for a lovely time.

Ok, so I lied a bit, sue me.

It's still the proper thing to do.

I never heard back from him.


Prospect #2: After a few IM's and a couple phone calls, we decide to meet at a local
comedy club and check out some local acts. I love to laugh, and comedy clubs are one of my favorites.
We decide to meet inside the bar at 7pm so we could sit and have a couple drinks and talk before the
show started at 8pm. I rose up from my seat at the bar to greet him as I had already seen a picture of him and knew what he looked like. He walked up, gave me a hug, said hello and sat next to me. I already had a drink in front of me, so he ordered one for himself. We start talking, and soon I see he is no longer paying attention to anything other than the hockey game that was on.
No big deal.

He continues to watch the game more before we are called into the room for the
show. We get to our table and he sits down in the chair and I sit across from him. Without asking if I wanted anything, or even what I would want, he orders a whole bunch of food.
Ok, no biggie, it's only food.

We eat, have a few more drinks and then during the show he moves from his seat in front of me to sit next to me. The stage was off to the left so we both had to turn to see. I felt him inch in closer and lean into me so his chest was on my back.
At the end of the show, we received the bill, and again, I offered to pay for my share.
He laughed.
I offered to pay the tip.

He laughed.

I asked if he wanted another drink.

He declined and said he had to leave.

I grab my coat and he walks me to my car, he gives me a hug and waits till I am safely inside the vehicle before he went to his own.
I drive home, fire off a quick email to thank him for a lovely evening.

Never heard from him again.

Hmmm ....

Prospect #3: We had made plans a couple times, but they always fell through.
One day, while I was at work, I received a text from him asking if I could meet him for a coffee after work.
He worked downtown, which wasn't all that far a drive for me, so we agree to meet at Coffee Spot at 4:30pm.
I arrive and he's waiting out front for me.
He looks sorta stunned and a bit terrified as I walk up so I ask if he's alright.
He says yes.
We go inside, he gets his coffee, I get mine.
We found a table in back and sit.
He pulls a CD from his briefcase and hands it to me.
It's a burned copy of Metallicas new album.
We had talked about it during one of our chats and he said it was really good.
How sweet was it that he burned me a copy?

We start talking and the conversation is non-stop. We talk about careers, schools, kids,and yes, he did bring up his ex,but not constantly.

I thought things were going well when he leans back in his chair, looks me in the eye and says,
"You're not what I expected".
Hmmm .....
This can either be good .... or bad.
ME: "What did you expect?"

HIM: " I'm not sure, just not this".
ME: "Explain please .... "
HIM: "Well, um, you know, the way you look"

Ahhhh ..... I see now.

ME: "I am a bigger girl, I told you when we chatted"

HIM: "Uuuuhh, yeah, I know ... I, uh, I guess, I don't know"

ME: "Let me make this easy for you ..... You're not attracted to me, and that's fine. It's best we said goodnight"
I got up and walked out with him following me.
He kept apologizing.

I turned, looked at him and said, "You know, it's really no big deal. We all like what we like, and I'm not what you envisioned. So, i'd rather know now than have walked away from this coffee date thinking things had gone well. Besides, I appreciate honesty, even if I don't like what I'm hearing."

I turned back around and left.

I did receive a couple text messages from him apologizing, AGAIN,
but then he just disappeared.

I sense a pattern here, don't you?!

Prospect #4: This was, by far THE best prospect of them all.

I mean, how many men ask a woman what their favorite color is so they can wear that color shirt for them?
Yeah, it was a first for me too.
There was only one small problem. He lived in another state.
Ok, so the drive IS only a 2 hour one. Not bad really.
Actually, quite doable considering that both of us have young kids and
couldn't really commit to an "I want to see you everyday" type of relationship.
We talked and texted for over a month before we had our date in December.

He drove up here to my house so we could have a bite to eat and then head out to Dave & Busters to play some games and have a few laughs.
From talking with him I knew that he was competitive by nature, as am I.

So playing one on one games would definitely be anything BUT boring!

I asked him to call me when he got to a certain section of the highway so I could make sure
that everything was ready, including me.
I'm standing in my bathroom, buck ass naked, finishing up my hair when what do I hear?
The doorbell.

Look out the window, and there he is, wandering around my driveway.
He never called me.

I call him on his cell and inform him that I am naked and will be down in a minute.

I SHOULD have left him stand out there for 15 minutes .....
but I didn't.
I throw on my silky, strappy black with grey and silver flowered blouse, a nice pair of form fitted black pants, a pretty little black sweater jacket to wear over the blouse and heels.

I looked good!

The blouse showed off my rack, because well, i'm all about accentuating my best assets.

I fly down the stairs, damn near breaking my ankle, flip off the oven and open up the door looking all fresh and gorgeous.
There, in my doorway I found one very HOT looking man who's pictures DID NOT do him justice.

Oh my .....
I must say now that Prospect #4 was also the youngest of all my dates, in fact, he was 5 years younger than me.

He comes inside, I take his coat, offer him a drink and we head into the kitchen to sit down and eat the lovely meal I prepared.

There's just one slight problem.
I didn't flip the stove off.
I turned it on broil.
So, as I was gawking, staring and drooling over the nice hunk of manflesh filling my doorway, my roast was burning and my house was filling with smoke.
Oh yeah .....
I sure do know how to make an impression!
Take the roast out, open up the windows and turn on the fans to clear out the smoke while
we have a drink, chat more and have a good laugh over the not quite burned roast.
The conversation flowed nicely .... we cracked jokes, we laughed, and the whole time he can't seem to tear his eyes off my tits.
Seriously, I caught his eyes wandering down many times.

Which was fine by me, I mean that WAS the point of wearing the blouse!

After we eat, we get into his car and drive to Dave & Busters.

He bought our playing cards and then we ventured out, like 2 little kids being let loose in a candy store!
We played and played and played .... he won some, I won some.
I bought us a couple of drinks, we sat and talked a bit, walked around outside for awhile, played a few more games and then decided to come back to my house to finish watching the hockey game.

He settled on the couch while I got more drinks and when I came back, I settled in next to him.
No sooner had I sat down than he brags about how much he kicked my ass.
As I turned to "discuss" just who kicked who's ass, he grabbed my face and plants the nicest kiss I had had in a very long time.

I was stunned.

I was flabbergasted.
I was gobsmacked.

I wanted to rip his clothes off and fuck him 10 ways to Sunday (it was Saturday night .... you figure it out)

But I didn't.
Like I said, I was stunned.
I had no indication that he was going to kiss me. (staring at my tits for 4 hours doesn't qualify)
This man hadn't even tried to hold my hand for fucks sake!
I wasn't complaining.
Sadly, as quick as we started kissing, he was pulling away and saying he needed to leave as he
had to be up early in the morning.
Damn ...... so close!
We said our goodnights and he said he would call me when he got home.
I laughed.

He texted me the next day to thank me for a lovely time.

And then, just like the others, he *POOFED* into another dimension.

Hmmm .... I think NOW is as good a time as any to get a complex, don't you think?

So, I bet you're wondering what role eHarmony played in leading me to my love aren't you?
Ahhh .... patience grasshopper.

Oh, as a side note, I DID email and chat with Prospect #5, but all he wanted was phone sex.

Um ..... no thanks.

Now as I said, after all these dates, and not receiving any or little correspondence, I was really beginning to believe there was something wrong with me.

Maybe I wasn't nearly as witty or charming as I thought.

Maybe my size WAS more of an issue than I thought.

I wasn't feeling very sure of myself.

But, through it all, I had some incredibly wonderful friends who assured me
that it wasn't me.
I could say they were blowing sunshine up my ass, but if you knew my friends, you'd
know that's not the case.
They tell me the truth, whether I want to hear it or not.

After all these dates, I would retreat to the comfort of my bed with an ice cold drink (preferably vodka based) and my laptop.

They always make me feel better.
Fire up the laptop, log into my MSN and YAHOO ... you never know who's up for a chat.
Inevitably, I would always find this one friend online.
We have known each other for a few years, but our friendship was just that, friendship.

Always above board. Nothing out of line.

We chatted almost daily, and I would tell him all about how my dates went, talked about work, my kids, his kids, and how my dates never called back.

Sometimes I would call him, just so I could get him to tell me some good jokes and we could both laugh.

We learned more about each other with every new conversation.
And most of those lasted at least 3 hours, or more!

He was wonderful.

Very patient.




He listened to me bitch.

He listened to me question myself.
He never judged.

He was always encouraging without patronizing.

He made me laugh.

Most of all, he allowed me to just ..... be me.

He accepted me ...... as I am.

He asked nothing of me.

During one of our conversations on relationships, he said something that really kinda struck a nerve with me.
I mean, I was PISSED. Then I was confused as to why I reacted so strongly to what he had said, which pissed me off even more.
Finally, after analyzing and over analyzing, one month and a bajillion times in my head later, it dawned on me ......
I had some wickedly strong feelings for this man.
I'd say it was a lightning bolt moment,but it wasn't.

Yet it was.

Make sense?

It's not supposed to.
One day .... it all hit me.

He was the one I looked forward to talking to.

He is the one I WANT to share my day with.

My sweet, darling, crazy, sexy, funny man.

He knew ....

Long before I did.

I know, most people are thrilled when the light finally comes on, but honestly,
I was terrified.
I had no clue whatsoever as to where his feelings lie.

Now, right about the time my light bulb finally clicked "on", his life had taken
a few twists, and things for him were changing.
He was stressing.

But you know, life is funny that way.

The best things usually happen at the most inopportune times.

So, what does a sensible girl like myself do?

I threw caution to the wind and let my bloomers fly in the breeze.
I wrote an email and told him how I felt knowing full well that he would be online and get
the email instantly.
Only one problem.
I sent it to his old email.

So, 2 days and not one fucking word later, we're chatting.
I'm sitting here going NUTS because he STILL hasn't said a word about the email!


Say SOMETHING is what I wanted to scream at him.

If you don't feel the same, that's cool, we'll still be friends, but don't leave me hanging like this!
So, being the shy one I am, I asked flat out .... "Did you get my email?"
pause ....

"What email?"

"The one I sent" Duh.

"No. Where did you send it?"
"Your email address" Again, Duh.

"Which one?"

Tell him the address.
"Why did you send it there? I hardly ever use that email and haven't checked it in months!"
Hells Bells!
I AM a rocket surgeon.

Leave it to me to send the most important email I have ever written to the WRONG ADDRESS!!!


He tells me to hold on as he checks the email address I sent it to.
As I sit here, my heart is pounding so hard that I fear it may beat right out of my chest.

I think I even stopped breathing.
Finally, after what felt like forever, I get a simple,
" I feel the same".

Well praise the lord and pass the ammunition!

He likes me, he REALLY likes me!
(ha ha ha)

This is where eHarmony comes in.
See, if it hadn't been for their 29 dimensions of HELL, I never would have found what was right in front of me all along.

My sweet, darling, crazy, sexy, funny man.

Thank you eHarmony.

Thank you Dr. Neil Warren Clark.

EHarmony RULES!

So my sweet, was it just a wish?

A dream?

Something you looked for in the stars?

Or did I too catch you off guard?



I matters not.

But YOU .....

YOU .... the one who makes my pulse race

YOU .... the one who makes it hard to breathe
YOU .... the muse that inspires me

YOU .... the love I never thought I'd find again

YOU are all these and so much more.

With you, life is exciting again.

With you, I feel free to be myself.
With you, I feel appreciated.

With you, I have fun again.
With you, I laugh and smile.
With you, I am happier than I have been in a very long time.

With you, I feel loved again.

Thank you .....


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