March 9, 2009

I'm an X'er ....

** As I was changing barf splattered sheets and clothes for the fourth time, somewhere around 4:30-ish this morning, I collapsed into bed more than ready to pass out for a few hours of some much needed rest.
See, I went to bed around 2:30 and was awakened at 3 to the mellifluous sound of my 3 year old choking out "Mom" as barf was rising from his wee gut and landing all over me and the bed.
Bed change, shower and clothes change #1.
However, sleep was not to come. Not right away anyway.
I lay there with my mind running at full speed.
That's fairly common for me.
I think, analyze, think some some and then the real fun of over analyzing begins.
Issues people, remember?
So as i'm laying there hoping that lil man stops puking for awhile and sleeps, my mind is racing from the things I had to get done today, to the shuttle launch tomorrow night, to the full moon tonight, to wondering why I haven't heard from Vickie who is currently working in Darfur, to planning a trip to Jamaica with my kids, to I REALLY need to drag my ass into the gym, to lil mans birthday coming up, to another special birthday coming up, to my toes really need to be stripped and re-painted, to I really need to have sex with something that actually has a pulse and does NOT vibrate, to we Gen X'ers being a bunch of lost souls, to the stimulus package, the Bills signing T.O., to the Sabres losing ground in the race to the playoffs, to The Boys less than spectacular grades, to my bathroom still not completed, to ..... *sigh*
You get the idea.
It was all over the place.
I was all over the place.
It still is.
I still am.
It's hard to quiet the voice(s) in my head .... they all scream so fucking loud.

Anyway, the thought of my fellow Gen X'ers stayed with me today.
But not in the way that I thought it would.
Not only am I am Gen X'er, I am a professional EX.
EX Firefighter
EX Office Goddess
EX 911 Dispatcher
EX Nurses Assistant
EX Fiancee
EX Lover
EX Friend
EX Wife

My life is chock full of EX's.
It's either been a life well lived or a frivolous search for oneself.
I haven't decided yet.
I do know that I can, and usually am, my very worst enemy.
My expecations for myself are rather steep.
Am I THAT person who is never content?
Yes I am.
No I'm not.
For as long as I can remember, I have waged an internal war between my need for a stable foundation and my need for freedom.
Which is probably why I have spent a fair amount of time alone.
I am difficult.
I am complicated.
I am contradictory.
I am an X'er .... and and EX.
Well rounded .... and still somewhat lost.

An EX .... is this what my epitaph will read?
Hmmm .....

I apologize in advance .... I was a wee bit overtired and loopy while I wrote this post.


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