Heavy heart ....

Like a majority of the country, I spent a good portion of last night glued to my television.
I couldn't tear my eyes away form the horrorific scene in Newtown, CT.
I was consumed with sadness and wept off and on for a good deal of the evening.
I squeezed and kissed my own precious babe a little tighter and a whole lot longer.
He's the same age as some of those kids .....

Even after I went to bed, my brain was filled with thoughts of all those sweet innocents.
And the brave women.
And the parents.
And the siblings.
And the spouses/significant others.
And the teachers.
And the Fire, Police and EMS personnel.

I can't wrap my head around it.
Any of it.
I don't think any of us can.
I don't think we ever will.

As I sit here writing this, my Woobie is snuggled up right beside me.
Sound asleep.

I'm weeping again.
For so many reasons ....


My deepest sympathies to the entire town of Newtown, CT.
I hope you find some peace in the days, weeks and months to follow.
I hope we all do ....

20 children
  6 female staff members
  

Is June over yet?

I believe I have stated on here several times how much I DESPISE the month of June.
 Really ....
I
HATE
JUNE

I lost Mom on June 1st and my brother on June 25th.
In between it's the end of the school year and the stress is just a bit overwhelming sometimes.

Today I found out that the Mother of my best friend since I was 7 died this morning.
She was a Mother to me and helped me when I was an unruly, wayward teenager.
She took me in when I was kicked out of my house.
She treated me like one of her own.

Godpseed Ellen!

Hair today ....

Last weekend, Jack & I had a wedding to attend.
On the day of the wedding, his niece came over to do his Mothers and his daughters hair.
I hadn't made an appointment for mine as I feel very capable of doing it myself.
However, Jack's Mother would have none of that.
So, I sat and she did my hair.
It was awful.
Bless her little heart ....
She's sweet as can be and puts forth all her effort.
Believe me, I appreciated her hard work.
My hair is a bitch and a half to style.
It's unbelievably long (down to my waist), it's thick, naturally curly and it frizzes.
My hair frustrates MY hairdresser and i've been seeing her for 20+ years!

Anyway, as she was styling me, she asked if she could come back on Sunday and just give me a trim.
I agreed because I knew my ends needed a good 2"-3" off.
Sunday at around 5, there was a knock on the door.
It was Jack's niece.
She had arrived to trim me up.

I wet my hair down and she got down to business.
As i'm sitting there hearing the snip snip, it dawns on me that I haven't seen any of the hair that's been cut.
But in my heart, I knew.
She had NOT followed our agreement of 3" MAX taken off.
Jack's daughter walking in confirmed my suspicions.
Her eyes were wide with horror.

When she finished, I stepped away to the bathroom to see what had become of my lovely mane.
I looked in the mirror and burst into tears.
My hair was GONE.
My waist length hair is now barely touching my shoulders.

I have been distraught ever since.
I know it's silly ...
I know there's nothing I can do about it ....
I know it'll grow back .....
But right now?
I'm sad and angry.
I feel naked and exposed.
I feel OLD.
I don't feel pretty.
(ok, i never feel pretty .... but that's a whole other post)


I don't feel like ME.

Another one lost ....

This has been a very bad/sad year for the music world.
Yesterday we lost another icon ..... Robin Gibb.

As part of the Bee Gees, their influence on music and pop culture in undeniable.
And immense.

Godspeed to you Robin!

On the Radio ....

 The music world has lost another beautiful, talented singer ....
The legendary and incomparable, Donna Summer:

You were such a HUGE part of my childhood and teen years.
Thank you for all the incredible music you shared with the world.
You shall be missed.

May your precious soul rest in peace .....


Godspeed Donna!

My Town ....

I was out and about today running errands ....

I needed some groceries.
The shag wagon (named by the teenagers) needed an oil change.
And I needed to replenish some of my "stock". (booze)

So, after the shag wagon got oiled & lubed, I swung across the street to one of my favoritest places .....

This store is actually comprised of 2 stores.
One side has all kinds of gourmet foods; chocolates, pastries, cheese, coffee, tea, sauces, exotic oils, spices and my new obsession:

Belgium Treasure  Biscrips Cinnamon Cookie Spread.

It's the cinnamon version of Nutella (and just as evil).
But OMFG ... what it does to a whole wheat bagel!
*sigh*
Sheer decadence!

Anywhoodle .....
The other side of the store is, as you may have guessed, a ginormous liquor store.
They have practically every type of wine, beer and liquor from all over the globe.
And if they don't have it, they will get it for you, usually without any charge.
I *heart* them.

When you walk in, there's just aisle after aisle jammed with bottles of all shapes and sizes.

Now, if your eyes glaze over from all the shiny bottles (like mine generally do), you can still find your way around.
They have it set-up smartly, it's well lit and nicely labeled.

After wandering aimlessly finding what I wanted, I made my way to the checkout and saw signs all
over that this particular store (the original I might add) would be CLOSING and MOVING.
What you talkin' 'bout Willis????
Yes.
It seems that "they" want to move further out into a neighboring 'burb that collects substantially higher rents than my slowly withering, dwindling and dying 'burb.
After my initial shock, I was then angered and sad.
I have to sit back and watch ANOTHER well established business pack up, move out and leave behind
ANOTHER empty store front.
It's becoming more and more commonplace in my little 'burb.
We're starting to look more and more like the Big Bad City .... and it's not pretty.
On my way out, I noticed another sign showing where the New & Improved Liquor store will be ... and a small mention that the current building is to become a lumber yard.
??????
Liquor to lumber.
*sigh*
I have mixed feelings.
I'm happy that the building won't stand empty, but very sad that a landmark is picking up stakes and heading to a "classier" new town.

Familiar path .....

I stepped outside into a cool, blustery and rainy night.
I climbed into my vehicle, turned the ignition and backed out of the drive.
I started down a road that I had traveled on many times.
I kept on the familiar route, knowing precisely the destination of my nights journey.

I swung my car into the drive, parked and sat.
Just for a moment, but long enough to collect my thoughts.
I opened the door, exited and started walking down the path to the front door.
With each step I took, another memory from the past came flooding into my head.
I felt my steps slow; my feet suddenly feeling like weights.

As I climbed the steps, I paused for a moment ....
My chest feeling tight, and in desperate need of air.
I opened the door and stepped inside.

Suddenly, I was transported back in time ......
To the 10 year old girl who first stepped in this place.
Then to the teenager who spent far too much time in this place.
Then to the eager bride-to-be who had to extend her vacation to be in this place
Finally, to the new mother who was stunned to find herself there yet again.
All the memories layering themselves one on the other.

I took a few tentative steps forward and turned my head to the left.
That is where I saw him.
Dressed in his finest.
Surrounded by family and friends.
He looked so calm ...
So peaceful.

I took a deep breath ....
Stepped forward .....
said my final goodbye and paid my respects.

I turned quickly and practically ran out of that place.
I had already "given" enough of my precious time to being in it ....
Kaisers Funeral Home.

Never forget ....

Regardless of how you feel about what happened that day, 2,997 people gave their lives .....

"All gave some and some gave all
And some stood through for the red, white and blue
And some had to fall
And if you ever think of me
Think of all your liberties and recall
Some gave all"

Missing peace

I am alone again,

Unseeing,

Unthinking,

Unwanting,

Except for his warm skin

Close to mine.

My body screams,

"Come to me!"

Our love is tangible,

A living, breathing reality.

I want to fall into him,

Lose myself in him,

Be one with him.

He is my light

In the darkness.

Distance is a cruel thing.

Sound of silence ....

We walk around each other,
like strangers.
Barely speaking,
eyes lowered,

Never seeing ....

Watching the Wheels ....

Another week down .....
I only have 4 left till it's back to "the grind".
(Yes, being a school district employee allows me the luxury of being home with my boys)

My oldest and I have been having discussions of colleges, the military ...
all those wonderful conversations parents have when their kids grow up.

I can't believe how fast the time has flown!
*SIGH*
(I have to go cry again)

Anyway, here's my pick for this week ......

Enjoy ....... EVERYTHING!

Sleepless ......

It's been 24+ hours since last I saw you.
Felt you.
Smelled you.
Kissed you.

We talk on the phone.
We chat online.
But baby, you're not close enough unless I can feel your heartbeat. 
  
"Love knows no boundaries....Love knows no distance."