Peeps & Cadbury eggs

Happy Easter y'all!

Blizzard 2014

This is what I "saw" outside my patio door earlier today ....

Believe it or not, there is a huge shed off to the left and a fence about 75 feet from my door.
There's also a pool.

As long as the BBQ isn't buried I guess i'm ok ... right????'

Reminders ....

"So ... I can just plug my computer into the cable line in my bedroom and i've got internet, right?"
"No Dad, that's a cable line. It doesn't work that way"
"But I was told the whole house is internet ready!"
"It is Dad.  We have a wireless network set-up"
"But you just said I can't plug my computer in!"
"That's right, you can't.  You need a wireless card for your old desktop"
"THEN HOW THE FUCK WILL I GET INTERNET??"

Yes, this was an actual conversation between my Father & I last night.
These conversations make me nucking futs.
And they sadden me.
It reminds me more and more that he's getting older.

Christmas Idea ....

Who's in??

Baggage

I've been doing a lot of reflection lately.
Looking back on my life and seeing when/where I made bad choices, mistakes, missed opportunities, etc.
It's not always a good thing to look back on ones life.
Yet, it is.
Make sense?
It's alright, I hardly ever make sense.
Ask my kids.
They'll just tell you that I have "issues".
Which I do.
(Don't we all????)

I am very much aware of my "issues" ....
All the faults, shortcomings, fears, etc.
Maybe too aware.
I know why I do what I do and act the way I do.
Someday I may get the guts to write about it all.
Unload all my raggedy-ass baggage.
But today?
Not so much.
Today i'm just continuing my reflection and introspection.
Besides, it's my dirty little life.

I blinked ...

and suddenly it was November.
WTH??????
Where did October go?
I missed it.

Crap.

Maybe i'll be around more in November.
Really.
I promise to try and squeeze in a post or 2 between a trip to San Francisco, bathroom demolition and renovation and of course, Thanksgiving.
Time is slipping away so fast these days ....

*sigh*

Not dead. Really.

I've just been away.
Physically and mentally.
I traveled to Cleveland a few times in July to help my niece set up her apartment and start college.
I spent most of August with Jack.
In between I've been taking care of Dad .... which you can read about here .

I'm not exactly sure how, but I managed to make it through the summer without killing anyone or ending up in Rehab.
I consider it quite an accomplishment as I spent a fair amount of time partaking of my newest favorite beverage:

I'm generally NOT a fan of ales.
I prefer stouts, porter, amber, dark lager, etc.
The darker and more bitter, the better.
However, on a blazing hot day, Redd's Apple was my go to.

I hope to get back into some regular writing.
I miss it.
I miss you all.

FML .....

I just found my upright freezer door cracked .....
ALL the food inside is thawed, warm and needs to be tossed.
*sigh*

I guess I just live on vodka from now on.

FML .....

Are you serious????

2 days ago it was so hot here my tits were drowning.
Today?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????


*sigh*

I guess i'll just play some sweet tunes to make me happy .....

It's official ....

This "sandwich generation" seriously sucks rhinoceros testicles.

My Dad had pretty intense and extensive neck surgery this past Monday to replace pretty much his entire cervical portion of his spine.
The discs were gone, baby, gone!
He now has some spiffy new titanium discs and cadaver bones to keep his head upon his body.
He also has rules he has to follow ...
No lifting ANYTHING heavier than a coffee cup
No bending over
No smoking
But, like any 'child' in their mid 70's, he's broken all of them.
He wasn't even home 24 hours before he managed to break all 3 of them.
So now I find myself parenting my 70something Father.
I don't much care for it.
It really sucks.
Rhinoceros testicles.
Dead Rhino's at that.

It's gonna be a looooooong 8 weeks.
Send vodka.

Slow death

In his eyes .... anger, pain, confusion
The alcohol coursing through his veins
To relieve the shaking, the shivering
His mind ..... slowly deteriorating
Going insane
The sweat on his face falls like rain
Like all addicts, the next ' fix' is on his brain
When I look into his eyes filled with with all the anger, pain and confusion
I see a man who is lost
Lost to the anger ....
Lost to the pain ....
Lost to the confusion ...
Lost in the drink.



The battle of alcoholism.
It sucks.

Hard Lessons ....

The Boy is in the midst of a very heartbreaking and quite traumatic (and dramatic) on-again-off-again
relationship.
I'm trying my very best to keep my nose out of his business and just "be here" for him.
It's a struggle.
Not that I want to tell him how to live his life.
Especially his love life.
But ... the Mommy in me wants to keep on protecting him.
I can't.
I know I can't.

Hard lessons are being learned.
By both of us.

48 .....

You would have been.


For Lanny ....

 Happy Birthday Brother!

 Love you ....
 Miss you ....
xoxoxoxoxox

I'm not wired right .....

Thursday October 4th, 5am:

  I step off the bottom stair, walk down the hall and flip on the light switch for the kitchen.
*CLICK*
Darkness.
Hmm ....

I walked across the kitchen and tried the other light.
*CLICK*
Darkness.
What the ??????

My appliances are still working (bonus), but I have no lights.
Ok ....
Head to the basement to check the breaker box.
Breaker is flipped ... so I flipped it back.
*SNAP*
It flipped off again.
Flip the breaker again.
*SNAP*
Flipped off .... again.
Um .... ok, something else is happening that keeps flipping the breaker off.
Best to leave it alone till I can get a proper look at it.

Flash forward to the following Tuesday.
I'm back from a lovely Canadian Thanksgiving and I still have no lights.
Jack decides that he'll take a look for me.
He checks all the lights and outlets in the kitchen and dining room.
All good.
Gets into the library.
2 out of the 3 outlets are good .... the 3rd is dead.
He traces it all down to the basement, follows the 40+ year old wiring and finds the source of my
problem.
The original wiring to the library was run in the same hole as a hot water pipe.

Over the process of 40+ years, the protective plastic coating melted away.
The electrical line shorted out and is now the reason why the breaker keeps flipping.
How my house didn't start on fire I have no idea.
I'm just so very thankful it didn't.
And no one was injured.
I have to keep reminding myself of these things as I now call an electrician and get the wiring fixed proper.

Is it weird that I'm still terrified that the house is going to burn down?????

Better living through big Pharma .....

Today I took Woobie to a new doctor.
A psychiatrist.
She wanted to re-evaluate him and see first hand what exactly is going on with him.
For the past several months, there has been many differing opinions on what exactly
my son "has".
First it was PDD-NOS.
Then it was ADD.
Some where along the line I got "Extreme emotional/behavioral Disturbance"
And finally, ADHD.
What does all this mean?
Well, to me ... it's a whole bunch of horseshit.
It's all labels that make the "professionals" feel better.
He's my son.
I love him no matter what.

It's been exhausting, frustrating and challenging.
And as with ANY child, as they grow and 'mature', his behaviors change.
Some things get better, some get worse and some things just appear out of left field.

A year and a half ago, I had a boy that would gouge his face till he bled, smack and/or punch himself in the face and smash his head into the walls, floor, etc.
He would scream, "I'm stupid! I'm ugly! I'm an idiot! Everybody hates ME!  I WANT TO DIE! I should just KILL MYSELF!".

I died inside a little with every gouge mark, slap and declaration of wanting to kill himself.
I know it's nothing I did .... but I felt/feel helpless.
I didn't/don't know how to help him.
I reassure him ... and I don't give in to HIS feelings of worthlessness.
I stay steady and constant.
I remind him of how much he IS loved.
And how AMAZING he is.
I'm told that I'm fantastic with him and I'm doing all the right things.
And who knows, maybe I am.
I just take each day as it comes and fly by the seat of pants.
More often than not, I feel like i'm  flopping around like a fish out of water and trying to find some precious air.

The good news?  He no longer gouges his beautiful face and he hardly ever slaps/punches himself.
The bad news?  He's starting to become more aggressive towards OTHERS.
*sigh*
Punching, slapping, throwing objects, etc.
He also told the teachers at school that he would have his big brother come to school and chop their heads off and kill them all.
*DOUBLE SIGH*
(2 steps forward .... 55 backwards)

Woobie is in a special class in a mainstream school; 8-1-1.
8 students, 1 teacher and 1 teacher aide.
Mainstream school has a ZERO TOLERANCE policy of the types of threats that he has made.
Yes, he IS a Special Needs Student.
But the school has a ZERO TOLERANCE policy.
I understand it .... and I see my sons future if we/I can't get him under control.

The psychiatrist recommended putting him on medication to help control the hyperactivity and tame his agressiveness.
I have seen first hand what happens to most kids when they get put on these meds.
They become passive, sleepy zombies.
The psychiatrist assured me that what she's recommending won't do that to him.
I don't want him a zombie ... but I worry about his anger and aggression.

So ... now I get the fun of doing research and seeing what the side effects of each drug she recommended are and go see his pediatrician and see what he thinks.

All of this has taken a toll ......
I act all tough, brave and "together" .... but really?
It's taking everything I have to keep on keeping my shit together.
Or, as a dear friend has been saying .... I'm doing the best I can with what I've got.
(thinking of you Dais!)