Weird Science

A few weeks ago I went to the doctor to try and find out why I haven't been able to sleep for shit.
Granted, I'm a parent so I haven't really had a decent nights sleep in about 20 years.
Also, my hysterectomy 2 years ago has thrown me into full blown menopause.
Yay me.

Anyway, my sleep has been worse than my normal crappy sleep.
So, my doctor sent me for a Sleep Study to see if maybe I was suffering from sleep apnea.
My son dropped me off at the center at 8pm on Friday night and I was taken to a private room.
It was really nice.
Queen size pillow top bed, fluffy pillows and soft cotton sheets.
It was like being in a hotel.
Till I got to the bathroom.
*sigh*
It looked like a hospital bathroom ... only, there was no shower.
WTH????
Well, maybe it won't be so bad.
I was wrong.

The therapist comes in, opens a closet door and starts taking out a whole bunch of wires.
She has me sit in a chair and proceeds to start washing my arms, legs, face, scalp and chest
with alcohol.
Then she starts attaching all these damn electrodes to me.
THEN all the damn wires!
WTH?????
I feel like Frankenstein.
Only with better hair.

Well, it WAS better till the stupid vaseline and electrodes were attached.
There I am ... aren't I stunning?!
Well, I wasn't done yet.
Oh no, I still had to have the belt across the chest (you can see part of it in the pic) and another
across the hips.
Next was the strip that ran under my nose from cheek to cheek.
Finally, a plastic piece up both nostrils and another that "sat" just inside my mouth.
Now, sleep like you normally would.

Are you serious?????
How the hell does ANYONE sleep with all that crap attached to you?
I sure didn't.
It was horrible.

This week I received a call from the center ....
The doctor wants me back in for another test.
Apparently my breathing becomes very shallow, but it doesn't stop.

I have no idea what will come of this.
I just know that I get to spend Valentines Day tied up.
Just not in the way I prefer.

Christmas Idea ....

Who's in??

Parenting 101 .....

As a single parent of 2 boys, I have become accustomed to having answer some pretty tough questions.
Where do babies come from?
MOM! Why does my penis itch????
Where's my Daddy?

Yep. My boys have thrown them ALL at me.
Or so I thought.
Driving home the other night, lil' man blurts out, "Mommy, we're going to see each other again someday in heaven with God and Jesus, right?"
PAUSE
"I love God and Jesus!"
"Do you believe in God and Jesus Mommy?"
Christ on a cupcake .... REALLY?????
And there it was .... the one question I NEVER wanted to hear.
Or answer.
But my inquisitive 8 year old wanted to know.
And he wanted to know NOW!
I didn't want to lie to him.
But ... how could I tell him the truth?
How would my very much believing baby understand that his Momma is a non-believing, hedonistic heathen?
My "faith" disappeared years ago (with the help of a drunken, pedophile priest)
Looking into his sweet, innocent face, there was no way I could tell him.
It wouldn't be fair.
To him or me.
For him, it would crush his heart.
For me, it would just lead to other questions that I really DO NOT want to answer anytime soon.

So, I did what every good parent does ......
I quickly changed the subject, took him to the pet store to look at puppies and bought him a Slurpee.
I sure did.
I have no shame in my game.

FML .....

I just found my upright freezer door cracked .....
ALL the food inside is thawed, warm and needs to be tossed.
*sigh*

I guess I just live on vodka from now on.

FML .....

Truth is .....

~ I had my hysterectomy almost a year ago ....
~ I still don't feel 'right'
~ I'm scared as hell that I will never be 'right' again
~ Menopause at 43/44 sucks donkey balls
~ Jack REALLY loves me (he 'deals' with my crazy-ass)
~ I'm excited about The Boy graduating high school
~ I'm also sad and terrified
~ The Boy starts his first real job next week
~ I have a VERY busy week coming up 
~ I'm thinking about going back to Adult Education and becoming an LPN
~ I have no energy
~ I try to stay positive
~ My electrical problems haven't been solved
~ My Father drives me nucking futs
~ I'm drinking more wine than ever
~ I hate that i'm currently sounding like a whiny little bitch
~ I'm going to finish my wine and Shut the fuck up

Ahhhh .... Leah

Happy Friday!
I hope y'all had a good week.

For today, I'm going back to 1980.

 I love how Donnie Iris looks in this video.
 Geek Chic!

 I miss the 80's .....

Have a good weekend ... and whatever you do, remember to give bliss a chance!

Make you a Believer ....

Ahhhh ...... FRIDAY!
It's been "a week".
Nothing catastrophic ...... just "a week".

I need some ballsy, bluesy music .....
I need Sass.

Jeff Healey was the bonus in this video!
*sigh*
Such talent!!!!!!
(both Sass & Jeff)

I hope y'all have a fantastic weekend!

 

11 @ 11

I've been tagged.
It's been a very long time since I was tagged (for anything).
So I think it'll be fun to do.
Besides, MOI has spoken.


The Rules Are:
1. You must post the rules.
2. Post eleven fun facts about yourself on the blog post.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you've tagged.
4. Tag eleven bloggers, however, you can break the rules and tag fewer people if you want. Make sure you hyperlink their names/blogs.
5. Let them know you've tagged them!
6. Have fun!

 MOI's Questions:

1. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun or The Boys Are Back in Town?
     You really want me to choose? Cyndi or Thin Lizzy? Girls v Boys?

      I can't. I won't; I adore both!

2. Camping or the Ritz?
     I've been camping since I was in the womb, so it's natural for me.
     But i'm getting older ..... I want them to build The Ritz in the wilderness.


3. What food are you craving RIGHT NOW . . . did you eat it?
     Potato pancakes.  No.  :(

4. The most thrilling place you've ever visited. Why?
     Hmmm ..... this isn't an easy one to answer .... i've been to a few thrilling places!

     I think i'll have to say Paris, France.  I was 17, getting ready to graduate high school.
     Thanks to my Father, I spent 3 glorious weeks traipsing through Europe, need I say more?! lol

     Paris holds a special place though.  The cafes, the food, the nightclubs, the art, the architecture,

     the overall vibe of the city, Italian students on holiday and did I mention being 17????!!!!  =)  

    
5. If you could slip into the skin of one public figure--celebrity, artist, politician--who would it be?
    Young Paul Newman or Sean Connery.  I mean, look at them! They ooze Sex! 
    It's also the only way i'll ever to get to see either of them naked.  =)
   
7. Look up from your computer. What do you see?
    Pictures of my family, my Mother's sculpture, the dog .... I think she needs to go out.

8. Sum up your philosophy of life in one sentence. You can borrow it from someone else, if you'd     like.
    "We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams" ~  Arthur O'Shaughnessy, Ode

    (Also spoken by Willy Wonka to Veruca Salt)

 9. The one thing you just don't understand about kids today.
      The way they write and spell.  It's not that I don't understand it, it just drives me nucking futs!

10. If you could steal one work of art from a museum or gallery, which would it be?

      "Lovers Hands" by Rodin.  I have a thing for hands.

11. Regular toothbrush or electric?
     Regular. No power tools in my mouth!

Thanks Moi!
Whew!  They weren't as easy as they looked.

Now, on to my questions:

1. What's your favorite piece of clothing (shoes & handbags count)?
2. What's playing on your ipod right now?
3. Cops & Robbers or Cowboys & Indians?
4. Do you push the elevator button more than once?
5.  If you could have front row seats to any concert, who would it be?
6. Do you have any filthy habits you do in secret? (IE: picking your nose)
7. If your life were a novel, what would be the title? How would it end?
8. Comedy? Drama? Action? Rom-Com?  What's your LEAST favorite type of movie?
9. If you knew that everyone you know were to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
10. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
11. Why are boxing rings square?

Now, here's who i'd like to see answer:

Walker
Boxer (you said we could all tag you)
Daisyfae
Morningstar
BamaTrav
Moi (you don't have to .... i'm just curious to see your answers)

Actually, no one has to answer if they don't want to.
Or
Answer them ... even if you weren't tagged!

Change?

What the fuck happened to Blogger????

I've never switched to the new template style.
So why did Blogger decide to change what wasn't broke?
My comments look like crap.

*sigh*
Change.

Maybe Wordpress is in my future

VD

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm ....... BACON!

Titillating Tuesday ....

Nothing like hot cock on a cold day!
Yummmmmmmm .......

Go big .....

 .... or Go HOME!


Apparently, that was "Santas" creedo this year for Christmas.
See, the Mommess (mom goddess) decided to change her stance on
the "NO GUNS" rule here in hell.

"Santa" got the message!

(I forgot to add the extra 100 'bullets' )

Twinkle Toes .....

I really dislike black ice.
Especially at 6:30am.
In the dark.
When i'm NOT awake.
And i'm "off" coffee (doctors orders)

Thank god I have a big ass.

16 days ....

Till I have my surgery.
December 14th.
YAY!

So long uterus!
Bye Bye fallopian tubes!
Fuck off fibroids!!

Merry Christmas to ME!  

Um ....

This was sent to me ....

It's so WRONG that I just had to share.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

UTERUS*

So ... since I haven't heard from my Doctors office, I decided to give

them a lil' jingle and find out when my surgery might be scheduled.

After being place on hold for a gajillion  few minutes, the Office Bitch Manager

comes on the line and proceeds to tell me that I have to sign a consent form first.

OK says I.
I will come today and then we can get it scheduled right away, right?

Um .... not quite.

According to my (lame-ass) insurance company, the consent form has to be

ON FILE for at least ONE MONTH prior to surgery.

EX-SQUEEZE ME???????

Do the math .....

(I'll wait  .... I want a coffee anyway)

Everyone with me now? Good.

So ...... there goes Black Friday shopping!

AND 

I'll be on strict bed rest for the first 2 weeks AFTER the surgery and recovery for another 6!

I hope the kids don't want Christmas.

*I just want you all to say UTERUS .... it makes me giggle.  =)

Saturday .....

In MY world, I would so have either one of these for the menfolk:

(the first pic is far too graphic and crude for Poot, but Boy Genius (16 yo) would appreciate it!)

Now, if y'all will excuse me, it's time to get sexified for a long-ass day of bar tending.

Life; interrupted

*I know it's hard to believe, but the world (mine in particular) DOES NOT revolve around YOU!

Get the fuck over yourself ....

Live your life .....

STOP trying to worm your way into MINE!

That is all.

*This rant is in no way intended or directed at any of my gentle and lovely readers.

Some days you just gotta let it out.

It's Monday ...... again

"Did you know that you have a few golf ball sized fibroids behind your uterus?"

Hmmm ..... so THAT'S where I put those!

WTF?

How would I know that?

Sweet hell .....

I REALLY hate Mondays.

TMI Tuesday (REALLY!)

Soooo ..... 

I am now a woman of a 'certain age'.

My body is going through all kinds of really fucked up  normal"changes".

Some good.

Some not so good.

One of my 'not so good' has to do with birthing my 2 gorgeous, talented, ungrateful boys.

They ruined my girlish figure!

Literally.

They, along with lifting things I shouldn't have been, have caused my internal "lady parts" to start *falling out!

(I swear, even as I type that, all I hear is the old lady calling out from the floor, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!")

I have the trifecta of prolapses.

What does that mean? 

My uterus, bladder and rectum have all become UNattached and are pushing into the vaginal cavity.

They are falling out.

Let me say that again ..... they are
FALLING
THE
FUCK
OUT!

From inside.

I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened.

But I do know that i've had some "issues" since about January-February.

I didn't think much of it at the time; it was all very minor stuff.

But when I went to my regular "lady parts" checkup, my gyno was more than a bit concerned.

YAY ME!

Since then, I have had a barrage of tests ranging from a transvaginal ultrasound,

(Translation: They shove insert a rod into your pussy to have a look around. I call it the Dildogram. 

The wand/rod looks like a dildo. The hard plastic kind) blood work, more "lady part" exams than I care for, and today's fun ... a Urodynamic test!

The Urodynamic test consists of a catheter shoved inserted into your bladder and another in the rectum.

They fill your bladder with water slowly and ask how your bladder feels at different intervals.

They also have you cough and strain.

Finally, when you tell them that you REALLY have to pee, they stop and remove the catheter.

Everything is recorded as you're connected to a computer as well.

I still have Cystoscopy left to have done.

That'll be another EXCITING test! 

I get a CAMERA shoved inserted into my "lady parts"!

I better not see THOSE pics on Facebook!

All of these annoying as fuck tests are leading up to a meeting where I find out what the course of action and/or treatment plan will be.

I'm praying that he doesn't mention surgery involving using the vaginal mesh that is so popular in 

the treatment of "lady parts" falling out.

There are lawsuits out the ying AND the yang involving this shit.

What am I hoping for?

A few things actually.

See, on top of these issues, I also have fibroids all over my insides.

They have caused me much grief over the years.

In MY world, I would get a hysterectomy and then have all my parts REattached!

But we shall see .....

October 10th.

Till then, i'm just gonna be slightly more than my crazy/sexy/bitchy/insane self.

Oh yeah, I'm on a "NO SEX" till further notice.

Again, YAY ME! Poor Jack ....

*I was going to add a picture for better visual understanding, but honestly? They were all waaaaaaay to graphic! Google "Vaginal prolapse" if you must see what the hell i'm talking about! Mines just not THAT bad. Yet.