Are you serious????

2 days ago it was so hot here my tits were drowning.
Today?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????


*sigh*

I guess i'll just play some sweet tunes to make me happy .....

Grrrr ....

Yeah .... it's turning into one of "those" weeks.

I'll be back later tonight with a proper post and the
winner of this weeks Haiku Monday.

                                                                                  

Land of confusion .....

Are we in 2012?
I wonder sometimes ......

More of the same ...

I saw my doctor today ....

He released me back to work on Jan 30th.

With restrictions.

I can't lift OR pull anything over 20lbs.

Exsqueeze me???

Due to the nature of my job, I can't go back to work.

For 3 more months.

Fucktard say what???

Can y'all see the flames that are shooting out from every orifice in my body?????

I've been out of work for just over a month, and now I have to add another 3????

I won't make it.

I WILL kill someone.

Or at least severely HURT them!

Or myself.

Not only that, but I don't get disability.

My job doesn't offer it for part-timers, and technically, that's what I am.

I am beyond a BAB! (Broke Ass Bitch)

I may have to sell a child!

Anyone in need?????

Anyone??????

*chirp*

That's what I thought ......

*Excuse me now while I go drink myself into oblivion and maybe take a Vicodin (or 5).

*not really .... but it sounds good right about now!



Peaceful Journey to you Ms. Etta James!

We're doomed .....

"Hey Mom, maybe I should do my Christmas shopping at Walmart this year"

"Why son?"

"Well, I see that they have that new program. The one like Kmart, the stow-away program"

"um ... you mean LAY-AWAY?"

Just think, only another year and a half and he goes out into the world .....
ON HIS OWN!

(maybe I should pin a $20 to him and wish him the best of luck!)

Back off ....

It's only November 4th, and THIS is what I'm already reduced to:

You better listen up Fat man, or you'll be coming face-to-face with Woobie and his fluffy bullets!
HO fucking HO

UTERUS*

So ... since I haven't heard from my Doctors office, I decided to give

them a lil' jingle and find out when my surgery might be scheduled.

After being place on hold for a gajillion  few minutes, the Office Bitch Manager

comes on the line and proceeds to tell me that I have to sign a consent form first.

OK says I.
I will come today and then we can get it scheduled right away, right?

Um .... not quite.

According to my (lame-ass) insurance company, the consent form has to be

ON FILE for at least ONE MONTH prior to surgery.

EX-SQUEEZE ME???????

Do the math .....

(I'll wait  .... I want a coffee anyway)

Everyone with me now? Good.

So ...... there goes Black Friday shopping!

AND 

I'll be on strict bed rest for the first 2 weeks AFTER the surgery and recovery for another 6!

I hope the kids don't want Christmas.

*I just want you all to say UTERUS .... it makes me giggle.  =)

Life; interrupted

*I know it's hard to believe, but the world (mine in particular) DOES NOT revolve around YOU!

Get the fuck over yourself ....

Live your life .....

STOP trying to worm your way into MINE!

That is all.

*This rant is in no way intended or directed at any of my gentle and lovely readers.

Some days you just gotta let it out.

It's Monday ...... again

"Did you know that you have a few golf ball sized fibroids behind your uterus?"

Hmmm ..... so THAT'S where I put those!

WTF?

How would I know that?

Sweet hell .....

I REALLY hate Mondays.

The world in which we live ....

BOY: "There's kicking, punching, whipping and shooting in this game ... but it's not violent"

ME: "um, yes CHILD, that all describes violence"

BOY: "Well, there's no blood in it.  It's not violent violent, it's baby violence"

ME: Walks away shaking head .....

TMI Tuesday (REALLY!)

Soooo ..... 

I am now a woman of a 'certain age'.

My body is going through all kinds of really fucked up  normal"changes".

Some good.

Some not so good.

One of my 'not so good' has to do with birthing my 2 gorgeous, talented, ungrateful boys.

They ruined my girlish figure!

Literally.

They, along with lifting things I shouldn't have been, have caused my internal "lady parts" to start *falling out!

(I swear, even as I type that, all I hear is the old lady calling out from the floor, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!")

I have the trifecta of prolapses.

What does that mean? 

My uterus, bladder and rectum have all become UNattached and are pushing into the vaginal cavity.

They are falling out.

Let me say that again ..... they are
FALLING
THE
FUCK
OUT!

From inside.

I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened.

But I do know that i've had some "issues" since about January-February.

I didn't think much of it at the time; it was all very minor stuff.

But when I went to my regular "lady parts" checkup, my gyno was more than a bit concerned.

YAY ME!

Since then, I have had a barrage of tests ranging from a transvaginal ultrasound,

(Translation: They shove insert a rod into your pussy to have a look around. I call it the Dildogram. 

The wand/rod looks like a dildo. The hard plastic kind) blood work, more "lady part" exams than I care for, and today's fun ... a Urodynamic test!

The Urodynamic test consists of a catheter shoved inserted into your bladder and another in the rectum.

They fill your bladder with water slowly and ask how your bladder feels at different intervals.

They also have you cough and strain.

Finally, when you tell them that you REALLY have to pee, they stop and remove the catheter.

Everything is recorded as you're connected to a computer as well.

I still have Cystoscopy left to have done.

That'll be another EXCITING test! 

I get a CAMERA shoved inserted into my "lady parts"!

I better not see THOSE pics on Facebook!

All of these annoying as fuck tests are leading up to a meeting where I find out what the course of action and/or treatment plan will be.

I'm praying that he doesn't mention surgery involving using the vaginal mesh that is so popular in 

the treatment of "lady parts" falling out.

There are lawsuits out the ying AND the yang involving this shit.

What am I hoping for?

A few things actually.

See, on top of these issues, I also have fibroids all over my insides.

They have caused me much grief over the years.

In MY world, I would get a hysterectomy and then have all my parts REattached!

But we shall see .....

October 10th.

Till then, i'm just gonna be slightly more than my crazy/sexy/bitchy/insane self.

Oh yeah, I'm on a "NO SEX" till further notice.

Again, YAY ME! Poor Jack ....

*I was going to add a picture for better visual understanding, but honestly? They were all waaaaaaay to graphic! Google "Vaginal prolapse" if you must see what the hell i'm talking about! Mines just not THAT bad. Yet.

* Friendly Canada?????

"Canada jails American Granny for 12 days in "heroin smuggling" mixup".

Hmmm ....... mixup eh?

My curiosity piqued, I decided to read and find out.

Hmmm ...... it seems that Granny's "heroin" was a mason jar containing motor oil.

I'd say that's one hell of a FUCK-UP!

I understand the suspicion, but how does it take 12 DAYS of interrogations and strip searches to figure out 

that it was motor oil?

WTF ????????

Welcome to "Friendly Canada"!

 * Maybe being so close to America has rubbed off a bit (?).

Roller coaster of life ...

Life is funny.

In a weird, warped and twisted sort of way.

Which fits me, as I am weird, warped and twisted.

Today I received some AH-MAZING news!!!!!!

(Yay me!)

Within a half hour?

Not so AH-MAZING news.

The good and the bad.

(and may hap ugly)

Things that make you ecstatically high one second ....

Can make you unbelievably low the next.

(like a roller coaster .... only mine is a psychotic and broken one.)

I know this is how life goes.

But some days?

Well, it's just not much fun.

(like sucking sweaty rhinoceros testicles) 

Especially on a Monday.

June ....

I want this horrendous month to be DONE.

True Lies ......

When Arnold & Maria announced that they were divorcing after 25 years of marriage, I wondered why.

Then I read this today:

"Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has acknowledged he fathered a child with a member of his household staff more than 10 years ago."
The particular article I was reading  further states, "The name of the former member of Mr Schwarzenegger's household staff with whom he fathered the child has not been made public. But reports said she worked for the family for 20 years and retired in January." (coincidentally, that is when Maria moved out)

Question answered.

In the words of Sarah Connor, "You're terminated, fucker".

Dream ....

After a very long drive, I pull up in front of your house.
I remove my suitcase from the trunk and walk up the steps.
Before I can knock, you open the door and drag me into your arms.
You entwine your fingers through my hair as your lips devour mine.
We're not even in the house, we're in the doorway ... half inside, half outside.
Our hands are flying all over; trying to remove coats, shirts, pants and anything else
that's keeping us from being the way we want to be ....naked.
We stumble into the vestibule, slamming the door behind us as we tear each others clothes off in earnest.
We've been apart for far too long, so 'romance' will have to wait till later .... when the 'fire' has been somewhat quenched.
I fall back onto the couch as you drop to the floor and bury your head between my legs.
I let you gorge yourself for a few minutes, but only for a few minutes.

I need to feel you inside of me ... filling me.
My ache growing to a crescendo as you enter me.
You sink your teeth into the soft flesh of my shoulder as we bump and grind out the weeks of loneliness and missing each other.
For the next however many hours, we explore, renew and re-introduce ourselves.
Finally, sated, we pass out ... only to awaken and start all over again.

*SIGH*


REALITY ....

After a very long drive, I pull up in front of your house.
The Boy jumps out of the car like his ass was on fire.
Poot soon follows screaming, "Where's my DS? I have to pee!".
The newest member of hell, Princess, decides it's time to play.
I ask The Boy to grab the dog and take her across the street to the park so she can pee.
Meanwhile, Poot is telling me to hurry up, he wants out.
I get out of the vehicle, grab Poot and my suitcase.
I walk up the steps open the door, step in and look around.
No one is around to greet me.
As I stumble in the front doorway, I hear you coming in through the back door.
Swearing.
You must have been at your parents.
You see me as you come through the kitchen, but you can't get to me as Poot has decided
to attach himself to your legs, making walking almost impossible.
Meanwhile, as I try and get my coat and boots off, The Boy comes through the door with Princess.
The dog pushes past me, dragging The Boy with her into me.
We all collide and become entangled in her leash.
I reach over, release Princess from her leash and then finish removing my boots.
As I'm bent over removing my boots, Princess is leaping on my head to try and get back to The Boy, who is on his way back outside to bring in the rest of the luggage.
With Poot firmly attached to your legs, you finally make your way over to me.
Well, close enough for a quick peck on the lips anyway.
Anything more than that is impossible as The Girl (your daughter) has now heard all the commotion and has decided to come downstairs and join the party.
The dog goes nuts, jumping up on her, and you.
The CAT walks in, sees the dog, hisses and then runs away and hides.
The Boy brings in the rest of the luggage, Poot runs upstairs to pee, Princess finds a comfy spot on the overstuffed chair and I think, "Finally! He's all mine".
But no, The Girl has a bajillion things to tell me ... and they all have to be told to me NOW.
So .... after 6 hours, we climb upstairs, close (and lock) the bedroom door behind us,
and kiss.
Finally.